December 2009
42 posts
4 tags
“It originally had an epilogue. Yeah, where Tiny Tim dies and becomes the Ghost...”
– Charles Dickens
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“It’s a baby sheep named Murray. What? Because I thought he’d like...”
– Balthasar the Magi
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“Now hold on. If someone would have told me to go pee in their water supply, I...”
– Benedict Arnold
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“These pants don’t feel melancholy enough. I’m doing a reading not a...”
– Edgar Allen Poe
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“For one thing, I don’t yell my own name before jumping into something, so...”
– Geronimo
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“Sometimes the stars look like God was drinking milk and the angel Gabriel said...”
– Galileo Galilei
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“My next play will be about a man who can’t act. Oh wait, I’ve...”
– Sophocles
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“See this beer? It exists solely for me to consume it. And I exist to replace it...”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Yeah, I know. Totally meant to do that. You say West Indies. I say potato.”
– Christopher Columbus
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“Just between us, I invented the bifocal lens so when I look down it looks...”
– Benjamin Franklin
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“The first 30 days I lay low and then bam, hello utopia. It’s such a good...”
– William Henry Harrison
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“Right flank, you swing in and just point and laugh at them. And while...”
– Alexander the Great
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“It takes more dedication and sacrifice to grow a beard like this than working...”
– Ulysses S. Grant
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“Wounded soldier, my ass. That’s not a battle scar, and that’s not...”
– Florence Nightingale
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“The real Boston massacre was me on that all-you-can-eat buffet. I destroyed that...”
– Samuel Adams
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“My next book involves a lovable little tramp as well. Only this one is more of...”
– Mark Twain
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“My attempts at negotiation seem to start off well, then I say something...”
– Erik the Red
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“Just because I walk into a bar doesn’t mean there’s a punchline...”
– Pope Gregory XIII
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“I wouldn’t go so far as to say every woman is doable. Depends on what the...”
– Giacomo Casanova
“My wine tastes like feet. No, I know that’s how they make it. Would you...”
– King Henry VIII
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“This gold? Oh, you don’t want this gold. You want the gold that’s...”
– Hernando Cortez
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“Once I had a vision that I was served a tainted evil meat pie. But alas, much...”
– Michel Nostradamus
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“Hey, I was going to say let them eat cat food, but now they can just suck it. No...”
– Marie Antoinette
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“Tried to work bitches into the refrain but couldn’t find a colorful...”
– Francis Scott Key
“I’m not feeling good about this truce with the Indians. When I smoked...”
– Gen. George A. Custer
“Of course, I want to live fast and die young. I am not going to turn into...”
– Billy the Kid
“Few people know that I can juggle, but when everyone around me dies it’s...”
– Rasputin
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“Not sure, but I think that penguin just gave me the finger.”
– Ernest Shackleton
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“What am I up to? I’m working on the douchebag quotient and using you as...”
– Sir Isaac Newton
“We brought the prostitutes on board for the crew. I thought the chlamydia would...”
– Ferdinand Magellan
“Once I was stuck on a date with a large woman with garlic breath. I...”
– Harry Houdini
“Most of the time, I actually squat since the rocks hurt to sit on, but nobody...”
– Chief Sitting Bull
“Let me get this straight. You’re building a great monument for me, that...”
– King Tutankhamen
“And the best part, totally cropdusted the place on my way out.”
– John Wilkes Booth
“Oh, for crying out loud, not everything I do has to be poetic. It’s frying...”
– Walt Whitman
“Ugh. Confucius say he shouldn’t have had that Irish Car Bomb last night....”
– Confucius
“I think my next hat has to go even bigger. I mean, I’m walking around with...”
– Daniel Boone
“The rate of speed of this falling object will match the speed of my foot in your...”
– Galileo
“I’m thinking of wearing an eye patch. You know, as a conversation starter....”
– Clara Barton
“Hello! I’m stuck on the presidential toilet! Funny scene here. Hello?”
– Howard Taft